I know I haven't been on all that much...

[Wulf-Gurl]

... so I want to let you guys know that I'm just having a hard time. I think I'll be fine, so don't worry... I may not be on much for a while and here is why.

Today I found out I lost someone very near and dear to me. I hadn't seen or spoken to him in years, but that changed nothing. I would've spoken to him if I could've. I'd only heard bits and pieces about him from conversations of which I'd listen to fully only when his name was mentioned. I knew he was sad to see my great grandparents die, as we all were, but I never knew how deep it really cut.

I hadn't heard anything about this until today and though my lack of contact with him wasn't my fault, I still feel as if I could've done more. My (great) uncle was not young but there was no doubt he could've lived longer than he did. I'd never known he wished he could be with my grandparents. He wanted his life to end and for so long. Today I found out he got his wish and what kills me most is that everyone says he killed himself.

While I visited him at such a young age and can barely remember what he looked like, I remember the things we'd do together. He was more like a child as I had been. My uncle would play with me in the basement with the collection of cars and figurines he had. He'd even let me keep some of them. I remember I'd always been happiest when we went to visit him in Michigan. That was what I looked forward to most.

Honestly, I have so many friends thinking of taking their lives as he had and it's killing me. I've been through too much to lose anyone else and I can't help but struggle through it all. I thought this year was the turnaround point where everything would go well, but really it's the opposite. I'm still stumbling downhill, still trying to prevent what I can. That's not really working to my advantage though.

I don't want to lose anyone, and I know it will always happen at one point or another, but lately it's been like the world is playing some cruel-as-hell joke on me where almost every other year I lose at least one loved one. In 2006 I lost my great grandfather. In 2010 I lost my aunt. In 2012 I lost Odie, my dog and brother, and grandmother. This year I lost an uncle very near and dear to me and I might have lost my grandfather as well. We haven't heard from him in a long time and though I was never close to him, I do love him. I also know my grandfather (step-grandfather sort of thing) is limited on his days. My other grandfather is nearly immobile and soon may have to stay at home all the time. My grandmother isn't in the greatest health, either.

So I just want to let you all know that I'm sorry if I'm not on a lot at this time...

[Katara-]

Im so sorry wulfa, I am not going to say that I understand because loss weighs differently on us all but these past few years have been tough for me too and I am working through them as well.  I hope things start looking up for you and your family so just keep your head up until then.  If you believe in God(if you do not I do not say this to offend and I swear not to try forcing religion on you) know that He works in many different ways and I have you in my prayers (yeah you guys can make fun if you want not really my issue).  
  I know you have lost a lot but I am learning that eventually in life, the things that can be restored to you will, even if it does take many years for them to work themselves out.  I know there will never be more than one of the person you found so dear to you, so do not get me wrong.  I am just saying you will find someone in your life that you will love and care about just as much and they will help you through the rough patches.  The hole itself will never mend fully, you don't want it to because then you lose the happy memories as well.  But you have friends and family to help you through.  
  This may not help you at all and it may go in through the eyes out through the ears but I will have made an effort to help.  I wish you and your family happy times.

[Wulf-Gurl]

Thanks, Tigah. It means a lot.

I'm agnostic so I believe in a god but not one in specific like other religions. I'd also never make fun of you for anything like that because we're all entitled to our own beliefs. It's not funny or wrong to be in the religion you believe in - it's a choice. I could go on and on about this but I'll leave it at that. Just know I'd never make fun of you - or anyone - for anything. I doubt the others would as well unless they're extremely strong in whatever religion they're a part of.

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